Principal Critics
Grog.me.uk, like any stunningly entertaining review-site, houses it's very own principle critics, both highly acclaimed and recognised for their comical style, and silliness. However, like any happy tale there is an element of sadness lurking around a corner, or in dustbins behind mouldy old sheds. In this case, it must be admitted (by all) that both principle critics suffer greatly from a disease that is so terrible that it is almost not recognised by the leading biological bodies today; Clinical Idiocy.
And without further ado it gives us, here at Furlessreviews, enormous pleasure to introduce to you:
Emilsk Von Palmovor!
and
Hannatt Borrett!
In addition to the two principal critics, Grog.me.uk proudly boasts a scheme of fan-participation. We, at Grog.me.uk, would be than happy to allocate fans films to review, and should they meet the (distinctly low) standards of Grog.me.uk we would take great pleasure in adding your review to our domain. These fan-critics are known by the lovely little title of Guest-reviewer, and we would be happy to include a short biography with your analysis. Guest-reviewers that repeatedly supply hilariously pant-wetting material will, of course, be promoted to House Critic. None of the positions, however, receive any form of wages, holiday pay, sick pay, maternity leave, or dental plans, but we would be happy to supply a small token of our gratitude in the form of a large not-house-trained pet hippo - delight for all the family.
In a spurt of popularity, after only one day of running, grog.me.uk had positive feedback from two very different audience types:
The Right Honorable Captain Bruccoloft Pigwash stated: "I would like to comment on the outstanding talent shown on this website. As captain of the sinking ship of Jamaica, 1761 I would like to congratulate the authors on such pant-wetting wit and would sincerely like to sail the Indian ocean to England to meet the wonderful mix of Swedish, Russian, and Polish writers!"
grog.me.uk also had feedback from the 'Surreyside Massive' when Gertrude Goliath told us: "safeeeee blads dis site is HEAVY I weeeeeelllllllllllll like da grime of the Rebecca....FEELIN IT FEELIN IT BRUUVVVV"
Emilsk Von Palmovor's Biography:
Emilsk Von Palmovor is our Principal Critic and Head of the Furlessfeet Empire. Naturally she has had her fair share of trials and tribulations in the struggle to becoming a success (funny, didn't know we had reached there yet) and it all began by her trying to fit herself into a small cardboard box marked 'fragile' and being put in the hold of a British Airways plane. She is a patriot, and was born in the snowiest part of Sweden. She particularly likes to eat Walrus avec une petite Mollusk (a Swedish delicacy), and enjoys lamp-post building in her spare time. Emilsk Von Palmovor displays many attributes envied by celebrities such as the presenter of Wildlife on Two. For instance nobody will believe that she started World War One or that she was behind the Great Train Robbery, despite her adamancy. It is highly commendable, and shall be mentioned here that Emilsk Von Palmovor has journeyed and healed herself of her clinical-unsocialness (a condition known formally as Grouchiness) and even joined her local library where she made friends with the people in the books. She began her career by starring, alongside Hannatt Borrett, as Mummy Hedgehog, and her sensitive portrayal of the issues faced by mother hedgehogs with husbands with speed and sanity issues today touched us all deeply. There wasn't a dry eye (or seat) in the house. She then wowed the audiences with her terrifying portrayal of chief Leopard in the Chronicles of Narnia, and to do this day reigns doom on the leotard costume that was forced upon her.
Hannatt Borrett's Biography:
When Hannatt Borrett came to England from Russia with her eight mothers and seven sisters they were all very sad. They were sad because they had left their dog, Schnitzel, behind. This was a very sad day because they always used to feed Schnitzel together and then they walked Schnitzel together and then they ate Schnitzel's puppies together and had much merriment. And so Hannatt Borrett came to England from Russia and is now existing in a small dilapidated sea-hut in a small insignificant town no-where near the sea. Hannatt Borrett is allergic to salt and has a serious phobia of brightly coloured plastic fish. Hannatt Borrett's eight mothers and seven sisters co-exist with her in the small dilapidated sea-hut in a small insignificant town no-where near the sea, where they mourn for their left-behind dog, Schnitzel, and play snap. Hannatt Borrett began her critique career by the excellent portrayal of Mimi the Cat in a translation tape, and her heart-rendering character of Hedgehog Child One, then later Moving Statue 14.
House Critics: Chief House Critic, Sophski Stamskov
The Polish Critic, Sophski Stamskov began her life in the lovely little land of Poland, where, as a child she loved to frolic among the renowned majestic poles of the countryside. Her infatuation and love for these poles stemmed from her liking of long cylindrical objects. Her absolute favourite variety of pole, is the rare white pole (Poliuswhiteus) which she once had the extraordinary pleasure of encountering whilst lost on a voyage to see an old pole, and a much-loved of Sophski's the large black and red pole (Polius-stripus). It is this brief encounter of one of the majestic white poles that inspired Sophski to begin examining all to great detail, thus birthing her critical eye. Sophski continued to grow and develop in the social Hamlet of Gorgonzola, famous, of course, for it's name having been stolen from a cheese. Sophski would write everyday, reviewing junior school productions, and in this way, becoming increasingly unpopular until she moved to the wet little country of England, where she was almost immediately employed as a foot-model (her yellowing toe-nails being something of a delight to the celebrating photographer Saych Ease). She was then sought-out and commissioned by the Furlessfeet Empire, who take pride in paying her little and receiving great literary works that are even more insulting than some of the particular insults to garden gnomes.