The Tricky Art of Toast...
'Oh the art of toast is a tricky one to master.'
Sum. Wun-randum (1972)
The History of Toast
Toast has been in existence since the dawn of time. Yes my fine fellows, the delicious blend of grilled bread supporting a rich layer of butter, accompanied with a nice glass of fresh orange juice has been much enjoyed since those early days when humans didn't have lavatories and chickens didn't have feet. It is this, perhaps, which links us so strongly with our ancestors; the cavemen. Now considered to have been rather barbaric, they enjoyed their toast (then known us 'urgh-urg-gug') with a side serving of raw chipmunk meat. Of course the recipe then for toast differed dramatically from modern recipes - it would have included a lot more sand and dirt and a lot less flour and yeast, however, it has been scientifically shown that there was still water in their toast, as well as salt, which is sometimes used in modern toast. With the arrival of the Vikings came the arrival of lavatories and therefore the arrival of flour. Yes, by Viking times flour was added to the mixture, and dirt was removed. Still sand remained, and still yeast was excluded. But by the time we reached the end of the Viking era, and the beginning of the roman era, yeast was included. It was only at the conclusion of the medieval era, however, that the sand was finally excluded. And so we reach the modern toast.
The Tricky Bit of Toast Making
Now then, this page would be entirely useless if it was not showing you the tricky bit of toast-making. It is of course-frustration. With a bread-chef comes enormous responsibility and therefore pressure. It is a burden which all bread-chefs are forced to bear. They have of course so much to live up to - there are some very talented bread-chefs you know - that most buckle under the strain of attempting to master the art of toast making and begin to go potty and turn into victims of their own mind. As a result of such agony they begin to abuse rubber chickens and to eat only string beans and mushy peas to satisfy their now incredibly simplistic view of life.
AND SO THE MESSAGE IS THIS:
"ONE HAS NOT GOT A TONGUE, NOR, IN FACT, A HEAD, UNTIL ONE HAS TRIED TO FIT A DOOR IN A WINDOW FRAME, WITH ONLY THE AID OF A COW AND A TOY TRUCK. YOU KNOW. THE LITTLE RED ONES THAT COME FREE WITH KELLOGG'S CORNFLAKES. YES THAT'S THE ONE. THE ONE THAT BREAKS AFTER 30 SECONDS OF LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT AND AN INTRODUCTION TO YOUR NEW PUPPY HARVEY."